Scientific Method: Monday

OBSERVATION: The work environment on Monday is particularly more subdued than that of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. Droopy eyes are distinctly droopier; frowny faces are markedly frownier. Pilgrimages to the coffee mess are noticeably more sluggish, and slurred, half-hearted greeting can be heard throughout the hallways.

“Mornin’.”
“Mornin’.”
“Good weekend?”
*grunt* “You?”
*grunt*

HYPOTHESIS: The inclusion of Monday in the calendar week plays a significant part in the general decline in the emotional well-being and overall work-week productivity of employees. Additionally, Monday may be the sole contributing factor in the decline of enjoyment derived from weekend frivolities.

DISCUSSION: One might argue that other factors — such as anxiety, depression, job dissatisfaction and/or hangover — are key in diagnosing the general aversion to Monday. Indeed, for many, Monday does have its virtues: Monday Night Football, for instance. However, Monday Night Football doesn’t come until the end of Monday, and is only available for one-third of the calendar year, and then only applies to the percentage of the American population that derives enjoyment from viewing said sport. One may also argue that the first day back from a weekend — whatever its name — will eventually induce the same type of fear and loathing that is currently associated with Monday.

CONCLUSION: After due consideration of these and many other facts, I cannot help but conclude that Monday is inherently evil.

PROPOSAL FOR ACTION: Based on the facts presented, it is strongly recommended that Monday is removed from the calendar. The 24 hours that currently comprise Monday shall be divided thusly: two hours will be added to each of the days Tues, Wednes, Thurs and Fri, and the remaining 16 hours shall be divided equally between Saturday and Sunday. Amen.

Scientific method II

Observation: Since the first of the month, we’ve experienced something like 347% humidity, temperatures around 100 degrees Fahrenheit, the gloomiest week of the summer weather-wise, and my head has been in a funk such that I’ve thought it was Tuesday at least once every day this week so far, and I believe at this point I need either a fabulous year-long vacation, magical pills, or an infinite supply of dark chocolate (in any form: cake, cookies, hot chocolate, pudding, hand-rolled truffles) and coffee to get over it.

Hypothesis: August is the worst month of the year. It doesn’t even have any holidays.

Other possibilities: There are no holidays in March either, making it a close contender for worst month of the year. In March, it is neither winter nor spring, but a nasty mess of cold and wet. March is also mid-term, when the first round of big papers are due all at the same time and psychological conditions like Mid-Semester Stress Disorder and Spring Fever are nearing their peak.

Argument: However, March produces daffodils, crocus and tulips. August, on the other hand, produces mosquitoes.

Conclusion: August is undoubtedly the worst month of the year. Even the name is unpleasant.

Proposal for Action: I hereby propose that August is removed from the calendar–reassigning August birthdays to a more appropriate month, of course–so that we may skip directly from July to September without all this August nonsense.

Scientific method

Observation: I have two Jennifers: Jen A. and Jen B. Each of my Jennifers happens to have at least two Sarahs. One might speculate that each of these Sarahs has another Jennifer, who has another Sarah, etc., and thus that every Jennifer has a Sarah and every Sarah, then, has a Jennifer.

Hypothesis: There is a metaphysical connection between girls of the name Jennifer and girls of the name Sarah. One cannot exist without the other. A Jennifer without a Sarah or a Sarah without a Jennifer is, therefore, an incomplete being: throwing the universe out of whack, and doomed to a life of emptiness and despair.

Other possibilities: It has occurred to me that the popularity of the names Jennifer and Sarah may be the cause of the Jennifer-Sarah link. The high occurrence of babies with these names in the early 1980s could thus indicate a high probability of a girl named Jennifer having a friend named Sarah and vice versa. As both names ranked in the top 5 for the decade (according to the Social Security Administration–they would know), this explanation seems feasible.

Argument: However, Jessica, Amanda and Ashley also ranked in the top 5. It would then seem statistically probable that every Sarah and/or Jennifer would have a Jessica, Amanda and Ashley too. Yet this is not necessarily the case.

Conclusion: I am right, as evidenced by Jen A’s statement: “You are a shining example of intelligence wrapped up in pretty.” She also gave me peanut M&M’s. Metaphysical connection. Complete and fulfilled being.