September 17, 2009 at 7:31 pm Leave a comment

I believe in balance.


My eyes have almost always yearned to see colors — a world awash in its beautiful, formless nature. So carefree, so shameless. And you might cock your head, roll your eyes, or laugh at me, but I think it’s because I’m quite the opposite: preferring to keep my emotions close inside me, to focus on the empirical, the practical, the rational.

My high school boyfriend once called me a Stoic. I don’t think he meant it as either an insult or a compliment, merely an observation. (Although, months later he called me insensitive; we broke up soon after.) But it’s stuck with me ever since, and I’ve been hyper-aware of it when my emotional guardedness has been a blessing, when it’s been a hindrance, and when it’s simply been the way I am. Like a colorless photograph: tonally rich, focused on the lines, shapes and textures of things — the structures, the bones.


And I think that because of it, I’m drawn to the mysterious power of color. It speaks to that part of myself which I keep so carefully guarded. I can let it trigger feelings, let emotional sensations flood my spirit without fear, without reservation, without judgment.


Sometimes, though, it’s hard to hold it all in. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, I feel the need to giggle, to smile, to embrace a friend. Sometimes, the tears just fall, and I can’t say why. It’s moments like that — when I can’t put a reason behind it, or control it — when I feel, quite simply, terrified. I am fearful of drowning in the emotional flood.


But I suppose that, for the sake of balance, sometimes life needs to be colored in. Is it to get me to relax my grip? Or is it to prepare my strength? Or is it to say, you THINK too much. So I remember that color might not be as serious as the other elements of design, but that is undoubtedly what makes it so magnificent: color is beauty untamed. I breathe it in deeply, face it, embrace it, and try with all my might to savor the view.


Entry filed under: Head & Heart. Tags: .

Get well Fall begins

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